Communicating with a loved one who has dementia can be challenging and emotional. What you say, and how you say it, can make all the difference in building trust, creating understanding, and minimizing frustration for both you and your loved one. If you’re a family member, caregiver, or simply a friend navigating this tough terrain, learning what to avoid saying is just as important as knowing what to say.
This article will walk you through key phrases to avoid, such as: “you need to calm down” or “don’t you know who I am?” and why they can be problematic. We’ll also suggest alternative communication tips to ensure your conversations are compassionate, productive, and supportive.
Dementia and Communication Challenges
Dementia affects a persons communication in a variety of ways, depending on the individual and the stage of their condition. Memory loss, difficulty finding words, confusion, and diminished understanding of language or context are common symptoms. For caregivers or loved ones, this can make everyday interactions feel frustrating or even heartbreaking.
While it’s natural to feel overwhelmed or unsure, knowing which phrases harm more than help is the first step toward effective communication. Here’s what you should avoid saying.
Things You Should Not Say
1. “Don’t you remember…?”
This question, while seemingly innocent, can trigger stress and embarrassment. Asking someone with dementia to recall something they’ve forgotten only emphasizes their memory issue, which can lead to frustration or shame.
Alternative
Instead of questioning their memory, offer gentle reminders. For example, you might say, “We talked about that yesterday. It’s okay if it slipped your mind.” This keeps the conversation light and nonjudgmental.
2. “You said that already.”
Repetition is a hallmark symptom of dementia. Telling someone they’ve repeated themselves, even in passing, can make them feel self-conscious or belittled.
Alternative
Respond to their repeated statements as if you’re hearing them for the first time. If necessary, redirect the conversation to a different topic to keep things fresh.
3. “That’s wrong.”
Correcting someone with dementia may seem helpful, but it can come across as combative or dismissive. Their perception of reality may be very different from yours, and pointing out “errors” can create unnecessary conflict.
Alternative
Focus on their emotions instead of the accuracy of their statements. For example, if they mistakenly think it’s time to leave for work (even if they haven’t worked in years), you might say, “That’s interesting, tell me more about your job!”
4. “Why are you acting like this?”
This question can sound accusatory and place undue pressure on someone with dementia to explain behavior they may not even be aware of. Dementia-related behaviors, like agitation or confusion, aren’t deliberate, so asking this can feel unfair.
Alternative
Skip the question altogether and focus on how you can help. Say something like, “Is there something I can do to make you feel better right now?”
5. “Calm down.”
When someone is agitated or upset, telling them to “calm down” often has the opposite effect. It invalidates their emotions and can escalate the situation.
Alternative
Help them manage their emotions by speaking softly and using phrases like, “I’m here for you,” or “Can we sit together for a moment?” A calm demeanor from you often encourages a calm response from them.
6. “Do you know who I am?”
For someone struggling with memory, this question can be distressing. Being unable to recognize loved ones is often one of the most confusing and emotional experiences for someone with dementia.
Alternative
Instead of testing their memory, reintroduce yourself calmly. Say, “Hi, Mom! It’s me, Amy, your daughter.” Providing context helps them feel at ease.
7. “You can’t do that anymore.”
Hearing what they “can’t” do draws attention to their limitations and may make them feel diminished or incapable.
Alternative
Encourage their abilities instead. For instance, if they can no longer cook independently but enjoy the activity, you could say, “How about we make dinner together?”
8. “You’re fine.”
Telling someone they’re “fine” when they express worry or distress can seem dismissive. Even if their concerns seem irrational, they feel real to them.
Alternative
Validate their feelings by saying, “I can see why you’d feel that way.” Then, offer reassurance specific to the situation, such as, “I’ll make sure everything’s okay.”
Tips for Positive Communication
Effective communication with a loved one with dementia involves patience, empathy, and adaptability. Here are a few general tips to keep in mind:
- Speak clearly and slowly: Use simple language and speak at a relaxed pace to allow them time to process your words.
- Maintain eye contact: This shows that you’re focused on them and value what they have to say.
- Use nonverbal cues: A warm tone, gentle touch, or welcoming facial expression can go a long way in calming and comforting someone with dementia.
- Redirect when necessary: If a conversation becomes upsetting or confusing, gently guide the discussion to a more positive or neutral topic.
- Limit distractions: Engage in conversations in a quiet, relaxed environment to help them focus better.
Small Changes Can Make a Big Impact
Communicating with someone with dementia isn’t always easy, but your words have power. By mindfully choosing how you engage, you can help create a sense of safety, trust, and emotional connection.
Every person with dementia is unique, so don’t hesitate to adapt your approach to suit your loved one’s personality and needs. With time and practice, you’ll discover what works best for both of you.
Remember, even in moments of difficulty, your efforts can make a meaningful difference and that’s worth every ounce of patience and compassion. At All American Assisted Living, we share this mentality and would love to help, contact us today to find out more!
